Surviving Infidelity and Loneliness
Life after an Affair - Healing and Moving On

Your worst relationship fears have materialized: your partner is cheating. While you may be experiencing a variety of emotions common to betrayed spouses after an affair - shock, anger, confusion and sadness - it is nevertheless true that no two affairs are alike. The universal blueprint for infidelity recovery does not exist. However, there are some unifying themes, causes and coping strategies that, in combination with the services of a Professional Life Coach, can help put you on the road to surviving infidelity. It will be a tremendous challenge that will test your strength and mettle, but there IS life after an affair.

In some cases, where the two partners involved are both ready for the honesty, hard work and commitment it takes, the relationship can be saved. On the other hand, this may not be possible in situations where the cheating partner expresses no remorse for their actions - or a willingness to stop. Perhaps the betrayal of an affair has left you with the impression that overcoming infidelity in your current relationship doesn't seem likely or even possible. Whatever the reasons, the ending of your primary relationship can add a whole new layer to your grief as you begin the process of surviving infidelity and moving on.

Surviving Infidelity: The Scorecard

In the initial days of coping with your former partner's affair, you may feel overwhelmed by emotions that run from loss to frustration... anger... relief... and back. The expression of strong emotions is a necessary part of your healing, and may even assist you in surviving infidelity.

It may help as you work through this stage to start a list of identifiable gains and losses. This list will serve as a reminder of what you are missing - but also what you have escaped - by ending your primary relationship.

Surviving Infidelity - Your Losses

Trust - It is important to bear in mind that a lonely, self-protective mode is a transitory phase during the process of surviving infidelity. This is particularly true if you surround yourself with valued friends, family and the support of a trained Professional Life Coach.

Identity - In the early days of healing after an affair, you may not even feel certain who you are anymore. Your sense of security and wholeness is gone. Perhaps your hope for the future, the assurance of your ability to love and be loved, has been compromised. These wounds to your self-esteem can be the most painful and devastating as you initiate the process of surviving infidelity.

Stability - You vacillate between anger, tears and despair within the course of the very same hour. Surviving infidelity can begin as a highly volatile process. Be assured that over time, with patience, and with the services of a supportive professional, you can once again become the picture of serenity.

Surviving Infidelity - Your Gains

Experience - Take comfort in the knowledge that once you have endured the process of surviving infidelity, you are less likely to fall prey to it again. Take ownership of your grief, use education as an empowering tool to protect yourself from the future deceit of a loved one. By surviving infidelity, you are now aware of its warning signs too.

Hope - It may seem impossible right now, but if you have rid yourself of a toxic relationship, overcoming infidelity opens the door to future happiness. It may take time for healing, but you deserve to love again, with a partner who values you and your trust.

Character - Once you have achieved success at surviving infidelity, is it unlikely that you will ever violate the bonds of a relationship in this manner yourself. You are well aware of the tremendous pain and disruption caused by an affair, and will take steps to avoid inflicting this anguish on your partner and on your family.

Surviving Infidelity - The First Two Weeks

The first fortnight after your separation from a cheating partner is bound to be the most vulnerable. Even if you've made the right decision, you'll feel the absence of the person with whom you've shared a life. You've been accustomed to this person, and even if they injured you terribly, it is perfectly normal to feel disoriented without them.

The first two weeks, as awful as they may be, will require your vigilance to sidestep these pitfalls:

 Drug/alcohol abuse - Engulfed in such a confusing range of painful emotions, it may be tempting to self-medicate in an attempt to get over the affair. But inebriated states only lengthen recovery time, as they mask the feelings you must logically confront while surviving infidelity and growing stronger.

 Contact with Your Ex - While it may seem perfectly natural to want to reach out to the person with whom, up until recently, you shared everything, you should resist the urge at all costs. It is crucial to keep in mind, in these early days of surviving infidelity, that you are unlikely to keep a rational, clear head during any conversation with your ex-partner. Rage, sentimentality, loneliness - all of these understandable early emotions can and will compromise your judgment and lead to poor decision making or worse.

Surviving Infidelity - The First 60 to 90 Days

The first two weeks of dealing with infidelity are likely to be the most volatile. But as you work through the complex issues related to your grief, there are no hard and fast rules for how long the recovery process will take overall. You may need to live in a state of hyper self-awareness for three months (and perhaps longer) to be satisfied that you've had the time and care required for surviving infidelity successfully.

You may be tremendously angry at your cheating ex, and it may be tough to shake your feelings of doubt. Did I cause this? Was there something I could have done to prevent my partner's affair? While it's very true that it takes two to cause a relationship breakdown, you are definitely not to blame for your partner's dishonesty and betrayal.

Many victims of disloyalty during this three-month period make the mistake of reconciling with their cheating partner. Feeling powerless against the formidable winds of loneliness and heartache, they return (so to speak) to the scene of the crime, mistakenly believing that "this time will be different." The general rule goes like this: if they cheated before, especially for an extended period of time, they will do so again.

Another common pitfall during the first 90 days of surviving infidelity is the urge to replace the broken relationship with a fresh new one. The wishful thinking is that the sadness over your ex can be overcome by an exciting new relationship which will ease your loneliness and provide closure. Not so.

In most cases, the "baggage" from your broken relationship will simply be carried forward to the next one. And the statistics in support of successful "rebound" relationships do not offer much comfort in this either.

Surviving Infidelity - The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Surviving infidelity will undoubtedly be one of the toughest, emotionally challenging processes you will ever endure. Even with the love and support of reliable friends and family, it may be difficult to know where to begin. The easiest way to regain control of your world after the shattering effects of an affair is to develop an Action Plan with a Professional Life Coach. A professional can assist you in gaining control over the grieving process and avoiding any self-destructive behaviors.

No matter how daunting surviving infidelity may appear in the initial days, weeks and months, you can - and you will - get through this.

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