coping with infidelity | infidelity counseling | infidelity recovery | infidelity
 

Coping with Infidelity
Managing Shock, Anger, and Depression
after Discovering Your Partner is Cheating

Get Help Coping with Infidelity - Infidelity Advice - Infidelity RecoveryAre you struggling to survive emotionally after learning you're the victim of a cheating spouse or partner?

In coping with infidelity, it's normal to experience the kind of shock and horror you'd feel if someone had suddenly died.

Infidelity recovery is a process that involves protecting your own sanity. A woman we'll call Deanna explains it this way: "You'll likely feel, in coping with infidelity, that you are a murder victim - but you're still alive to feel the pain! Someone has killed your heart and soul in one fell swoop!"

The shame of experiencing this kind of betrayal by someone you loved - or may still love - has no earthly equal in terms of personal impact. To add insult to injury, sooner or later, the news of your betrayal will leak out to everyone you know.

You will experience a full range of negative emotions in coping with infidelity - anger, guilt, confusion, self-pity, humiliation, and perhaps even a desire for revenge.

If it's your spouse who has betrayed you, you will feel that your partner and the "other man" or "other woman" conspired to steal your dignity, your home, and your life. It's normal to feel that they have committed a crime against you.

"Don't do a stupid thing like I did," says a business woman we'll call Peggy. "I physically retaliated by breaking out a living room window at the other woman's house. When I caught my husband there for the second time, I went a little crazy."

Peggy's philandering husband and the other woman called the police. Peggy spent the night in jail.

Peggy is now remarried to a nice man, and she can now laugh about her lack of control in the heat of anger. But, she learned the hard way that staying cool would have been a better approach.

Coping with Infidelity in Stages
Diffuse Tension via Productive Measures

During the first few days, utilize these tips for coping with infidelity:

Find two or three people to lean on. Don't overload your mother or your best friend. Try to engage a professional counselor, minister, or trusted family member to listen to your story to spare your mother and friend too much stress and overload.

Write down your private thoughts. In coping with infidelity, the only rule in pouring out your grief by writing about your pain is this: Hold nothing back. It's perfectly okay to write in an uncensored way!

And then lock up the paper or notebook, so your children or family won't discover it. If you'd prefer typing your thoughts into a computer document, make sure that no one knows your password.

Later, shred the paper or notebook. Or, delete the document from your computer. Don't take a chance that anyone else will find it.

Get out of the house. Since your emotions will send you on a roller coaster ride, do get out of the house for a good part of each day when coping with infidelity. Don't stay within four walls all day, or your emotions will only intensify.

Instead, go for long walks in nature or work out at the gym for 90 minutes. Exercise helps your body fight depression by speeding up the release of endorphins - which trigger a natural "feel good" chemical high in your brain. Walking, biking, hiking, or canoeing outdoors helps you take in something nice - while you are working to purge severe pain.

Simply getting through the first three or four days after discovering the affair will be sheer torture, so focus on staying busy while coping with infidelity. Give yourself a little time to calm down before you try to make sense of it all. Infidelity recovery won't begin until you can get over the initial shock.

Infidelity Recovery Won't Involve Quick Fixes
It Takes Time to Heal a Broken Heart

After a few days go by, you'll need to start intelligently processing what's happened. You'll need to see if you can make sense of the tragedy. Go slowly and avoid believing in quick fixes. Be patient with yourself. Coping with infidelity takes time.

Sorting out your emotions while you're coping with infidelity will involve a series of questions you'll ask yourself: What is the third person in this love triangle like? What does he or she have to offer that I don't have myself? How long has this betrayal been going on? How many of my friends and neighbors know about it?

A weird backlash of the whole event will probably involve some thoughtless remarks from family and friends while you're in the midst of coping with infidelity. Don't be surprised if trusted friends say things such as: "Maybe you shouldn't have worked so many long hours. Maybe you should have been home more - especially at night and on the weekends."

Or, someone might thoughtlessly say, "Good riddance! It's probably for the best. I never trusted your partner, and I just knew this was going to happen!"

People around you will be at a loss for words while you're coping with infidelity, so they may "invent" quick fixes. They'll blurt out insensitive remarks to help you explain the pain or help you get over the horror in a hurry. Don't take their remarks too seriously.

Using hateful retaliation or looking for quick fixes is not how recovery from infidelity happens. You will have a ton of information to sort out. And, it may take months if not years.

Ask Important Questions to Uncover the Truth
Stay on Solid Ground while Coping with Infidelity

Process your pain with your biggest questions first. Ask yourself: When did I know our relationship was failing? Could I have done anything to save it?

Your goal is to tell yourself the truth. For example, if your partner refuses to deal with problems or pretends they don't exist, you'll have to admit this. If your partner has questionable morals or lacks integrity concerning money, you will have to face this too. Or, you might need to "own" some of the issues yourself. Maybe your weaknesses bled over on the relationship.

Telling the truth will help you deal and eventually heal. The truth points True North, so it's a great tool for figuring out which direction you'll need to take next.

For instance, let's say that you start to realize you played a huge part in the tension leading up to the affair. Maybe deep down inside, you know your excessive spending and casual attitude toward the bills caused some problems in your relationship. You'll need to figure out whether you want to try to save your marriage or not.

"I went to two separate marriage counselors with my ex," says a woman we'll call Jenna who caught her husband cheating last year. "He would never try to participate in the counseling. Each time, his goal was to get the counselor eating out of his hand. Both counselors, I might add, fell for his lies. My ex is a great actor."

Jenna had to admit she'd married a deceptive, dishonest, egomaniac. Going to the bottom line truth helped her stop believing that her relationship could actually be saved.

One big question she had was this: "What does the new woman in his life have that I don't have?"

She finally concluded that the new woman, whatever her attributes, simply has a life centered on false hope. "That woman has a deceptive, hurtful, egomaniac in her life," Jenna points out. "The truth awaits her up the road, just like it did me."

Focus on Taking Care of Yourself
Coping with Infidelity Requires Smart Decisions

Regaining your composure will take time, but focus on taking care of yourself from the moment you learn of the indiscretion. From this moment on, coping with infidelity is all about you! Taking care of yourself helps your children as well.

You must protect yourself financially, protect your own "inner child" while coping with the pain, and find hope for yourself beyond the aftershock of the war zone.

To stabilize your emotions while dealing with infidelity, remind yourself to always deal with them head on. You cannot go underground and hide, since your subconscious will process the information anyway. Take a strong, proactive stance in making good decisions starting this very minute.

Good decisions require you to "show up" for yourself every day. And, they are empowering!

Your emotional health will start to improve during the throes of coping with infidelity when you exercise this kind of control.

Get plenty of rest, decide to get out of bed on time, and call a friend when you need someone to help you feel grounded. Eat salads instead of junk food. Drink plenty of water and take vitamins. Decide to splurge on a new pair of shoes for yourself. Tell your friends what they mean to you.
 
Also, focus on making practical decisions while coping with infidelity such as these:

Find a reputable attorney. This person will protect your financial picture and rights concerning your children, if you have them. Or, a good attorney can help you with a legal go-forward plan in case a court date is necessary. Do your research in hiring the correct attorney for you. If you hire a lazy attorney, your problems will grow - so be sure to do your homework.

Ask for a little help from several people. You may need your sister to go with you to an attorney's office. Or, you might need your dad to baby-sit your son while you go to infidelity counseling. Try not to overload one person, so look around for a few people who can provide small, do-able favors for you while you're coping with infidelity. Don't be too proud to ask.

Call a financial expert. It is always a good idea to consult with a banker who has many years of experience, or a financial counselor who is adept at budget planning. This person may help you envision how to stay afloat if your assets are divided or if your income is thwarted during the months ahead. Infidelity and divorce often involve a shaky picture in terms of money issues and financial stability. So, be sure to ask for help!

Deal with your cheating partner. You will need to communicate with him or her in some fashion. Do you need to talk about dividing up assets? Will you need to discuss co-parenting responsibilities? Or, will you need to talk about the cheating?

As tough as it will be, you must face your cheating partner and discuss the drama together. You might conduct your initial discussions in a public place - to help both of you avoid verbal explosions and combativeness. Meeting in a busy restaurant or small café is probably the best idea. Talking on the phone can work too.

Or, you may be one of those rare individuals who wrangled a confession at the family dinner table. The explosion happened, but no one left. You and your partner may have to decide what's going to happen next while still living under the same roof.

No matter what happens, if you divorce, talking together in a civil fashion is the practical approach to your financial survivability. Coping with infidelity usually boils down to splitting assets or co-parenting your children as best you can. So working hard to stay civil toward your cheating partner is usually necessary for very practical reasons as well.

It's Time to Take Care of Yourself
Meeting Your Needs while Coping with Infidelity

Keep a notebook of practical steps you'll need to take in coping with infidelity. Make a checklist of calls you should make, resources you might need, books you might read for personal support, and a schedule of what you'll need for self-care.

Ask: What have I been neglecting about myself? Have I focused too much on my relationship and neglected my health, my educational needs or my job?

In coping with infidelity, take the energy you've invested in the relationship and put some of it back into nurturing yourself right now.

Unless your cheating partner has hidden the affair very well, you've probably known that something was wrong for a long time. If you're typical, you've ignored a lot of fun activities and good times with friends, because you were over-focused on the strained relationship with your partner.

Start doing some purely selfish things too - like getting a massage or going to an afternoon movie - just to build up your "emotional bank account" that has been probably been very depleted for some time!

If you need lots of personal support while coping with infidelity, consider calling a Professional Life Coach for support. You don't want to overload your friends. You'll need your friends to "be there" for you, so don't wear them out.

A trained professional offering infidelity advice can help you put the pieces back together again. This person will have a more objective outlook to offer you too.

Everyone who is coping with infidelity can benefit from talking with a trained professional. That person will essentially function as an "authority figure" with whom to report your stress issues on a regular basis. Your coach will provide you with much needed support during one of the worst periods of your life. As a team you'll design a step-by-step plan to get through this.

Get Help Coping with Infidelity

Return to our Home Page for
More Help Surviving Infidelity

I work with clients worldwide by telephone and your initial consultation is FREE.
To request your free initial coaching call,
click here to make an appointment.


Relationship help is just a phone call away!

Website Content © 2013 Jay Reiss, M.S.W.
All Rights Reserved


"Thank you so much for the awesome coaching session! I got so much clarity and focus about where I want to go and how to get there. I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and told her about it, and she commented immediately on the excitement in my voice! Truly amazing!"

 

"I am so blessed to be working with you... Thank you for showing up and shining your light in my direction! Thank you, thank you God."

 

"You are on FIRE -- EXQUISITE!!! This message is SO powerful, Jay, a vivid portrait of your strength and leadership. WOW. Thank you!!!! I am SO inspired. The timing could not possibly have been more perfect."

 

"I am in a state of awe and gratitude. I believe it is entirely possible that our conversation last night will prove to be the most pivotal turning point of my life. Above all else, thank you for your honesty."

 

"You SO go WAY above and beyond the line of duty."

 

"Jay, Thanks for really being there for me ... I really FEEL you in my corner and I am looking forward to moving into magnificent success!!"

 

"Jay! WOW! You really are the best! How did I get so lucky to connect with you?!"

 

"Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. You have such a positive, powerful energy. I am very happy to have had the opportunity to meet you. Mutual support is a rare occurrence. Thank you for that."

 

"Am eager to report in Wednesday... the impact of that one session has been like I smashed into a house full of dynamite -- WOW. I'm definitely up against the issues that need to be addressed... tough stuff... and brilliant work on your part, JR. Warmest regards and gratitude"

 

"Hi Jay! I'm still digesting -- and SO much appreciate your phenomenal multi-dimensional support. I laughed so hard today which helped more than anything. What a RANGE you have, my dear."

 

"Thank you for your loving support Jay... I truly appreciate you..."

 

"My dear Heaven-Sent Jay, Yet another WONDERFUL session. Again, I feel indescribably blessed. I LOVE the way you synopsize the essence of our meetings -- it's really, really helpful."

 

"Thank you infinitely for the phenomenal person you are, for your spiritual diligence, and for the unparalleled support you give me."

 

"I am overflowing with gratitude for your presence/presents in my life. The session with you last night was transformational. Every time we have a conversation, I emerge with even MORE awe and respect for you, for who you are, for what you have already contributed..."

 

"Great Session!!! Thanks"

 

"I hope I will get to know you in some way since I have heard such amazing things about you."

 

"Thank you... and I really do love how you show up in this world. Thank you for standing your ground for the best of the best experience... for all possibility and choosing the utmost. I'm so grateful for your presence in my experience... you let me know that everything is possible."

 

"Thanks so much. I love how resourceful you are!"

 

"Great call Jay, I am so impressed at the lightness and trust in this session. You really seemed comfortable with everything that came up and created a deep level of support. You are a powerful coach and ask deep questions. I also appreciate the creative way you express yourself so clearly. Great session."

 

"Great work today Jay. I am touched by your masterful confidence. Awesome!"

 

"Thanks Jay! You are so wonderful!!!"