How to Get Your Ex Back after You've
Cheated
Working Your Way Back Step-by-Step
 Have you committed the unthinkable act of betrayal? You cheated...
your partner found out... and now you want to get your ex back. The relationship you
built together is in serious need of repair.
Upon the discovery of your indiscretion, your partner may have ordered you out the door. Or, maybe it's been a
few weeks or months and you need to figure out a way to get your ex back for good.
Putting the trust back in place is tough, but yes - it can be done. To get your ex back, you'll need a detailed
plan. Your initial starting point is pretty simple. You must convince your spouse or partner that you're truly and
sincerely sorry.
It'll be impossible for your partner to forgive you if he or she doesn't believe that your cheating caused YOU
hurt and shame too.
To get your ex back, your ex has to see and feel your grief over the whole matter. Without this evidence,
there's nothing upon which to rebuild your relationship.
Admit All of the Pain You've
Caused
To Get Your Ex Back - Apologize
Sincerely
If you are hurting, let your injured partner know this. If you really want to get your ex back, the following
can help:
♦ Write a detailed letter explaining your feelings. Don't try to make excuses for yourself at this point. Just
make sure you're doing a lot of apologizing in trying to get your ex back. Try to sound convincing that your pain
has hurt at least two lives and not just theirs.
♦ Call to let him or her know that you're bringing the letter. Hand-deliver that piece of business. Don't mail
it or trust anyone else to mail it for you, or they might flub your chances and you may never get your ex back.
Walk the letter over to your hurting partner if he or she will allow it.
♦ Give your partner some time. You can ask for a return call in the letter, but if your ex wants to discuss
things, he or she will certainly let you know. At this point, even though you may desperately want to get your ex
back, right now they're the one holding all the cards.
♦ Offer to come back and deliver your apology face-to-face. If your partner will allow you to have the
conversation, then so much the better. A live conversation to help get your ex back is always an effective
follow-up to a handwritten letter. For those who speak better than they write, a face-to-face apology may work even
better.
To Get Your Ex Back, Demonstrate Love and
Caring
Increase Your Sensitivity to Your
Partner's Needs
You don't want to make a fool of yourself or upset someone new who may now be dating your ex. Strive to behave
tastefully, maturely, and sincerely. You might send a small gift to your ex partner's workplace with a note saying,
"Can we talk?"
Depending on how badly you hurt your ex, and how stubbornly he or she can hold onto a grudge, your time frame
for a heart-to-heart talk may vary. However, if you get a chance to help heal the situation and reverse the damage,
think in terms of taking it one step at a time.
Here are the steps to get your ex back.
Work to gain a measure of forgiveness. To get your ex back, you'll need to show true remorse for your cheating
and emphasize the love and caring you feel. You shouldn't just say, "We need to get back together for the
kids."
To get your ex back, vow to start fresh. Remember, when you got caught, the old relationship died. It's over.
You'll have to begin again, in some ways from scratch.
Answer any question presented to you with extreme sensitivity. If your partner decides to trust you, you'll need
to answer questions like: "Why did you cheat?" "What did he/she have that I didn't?" But remember: To get your ex
back, never hurt them with your honesty. Soften your approach and get your ex back with kindness.
To Get Your Ex Back, Own Up to Your
Issues
A man we'll call Allen who got caught cheating, knows that he needs to tell his wife the truth. He desperately
wants to get back his ex, but he wonders how he's going to do it.
"I cheated partially because my wife gained nearly 100 pounds," says Allen. "How do you tell your wife she isn't
as appealing as a woman you picked up in a bar?"
Allen might say that his attraction for the other woman was "purely physical." This would allow Allen's wife to
"own" the fact she needs to get in shape, but Allen wouldn't have to state this directly.
During the conversation to reconnect and talk about the affair, Allen's wife, at some point, must recognize and
speak up about her problem. Otherwise, nothing will change if her weight is a huge turnoff for him.
A spouse gaining 100 pounds is a true marriage deal-breaker by anyone's standards. But, it doesn't give Allen
the "right" to cheat or hurt his wife over her weight issue. It only gives someone like Allen the added misfortune
of being vulnerable to temptation.
To get your ex back and regain your partner's trust, you shouldn't say things like "You're a nag," or "I can't
trust you with the kids." Instead you might say, "We need better communication between us," or "We both need
parenting skills to avoid arguments" or "It's important that we both keep ourselves in shape, so we'll be appealing
to each other" and so on.
To get your ex back and encourage them to give you another chance, you'll both need the same vision for a future
together. Remember, the old one failed - the way things were just didn't work. To get your ex back again, something
must change between you.
You might say to your partner, "I am truly sorry about the cheating, but I'm excited about working on a new
relationship we'd both feel good about. How about you?" Or say, "Honey, both of us working out and getting in shape
will be fun - not a burden for me at all. I love you, and I want us both to become healthier."
If you aren't willing to change to get your ex back - even if that means speaking up loudly for your own needs
to be met - then your relationship can't change for the better.
If you know you'll have to risk hurting his or her feelings, you can set the tone for the conversation by asking
questions like "Do you want me to be honest?" Or "Can we talk about what needs to change?"
Honesty is the Foundation to Get Your Ex
Back
It Takes Two to Build a New
Relationship
Your partner has to give some ground too if he or she contributed to the rockiness of the relationship. Complete
denial by your partner in your efforts to get your ex back will limit your chances for success.
On the other hand, if your partner is pretty much blameless, he or she should let you know that your efforts to
repair things are appreciated.
To get your ex back to stay, crawling back on your hands and knees won't work. You'll want to walk back in,
preferably with mutual respect. Talking to a Life Coach first will help you map
out a plan to get your ex back and move your relationship forward.
To establish the trust needed to get your ex back, you should focus on your partner's needs first. Every day,
ask what he or she needs from you. Talk about what your ex wants out of life in general. As you make progress,
begin to kindly and thoughtfully ask for your own needs to be met too.
Remember, silence fixes nothing in a relationship. Without good communication in which each person opens up
emotionally, you'll be going back to the "old" relationship. And that's not what you want.
Allow your partner to rant and rave, ask for help with the housework, and share all of their pain and suffering.
To get your ex back, this person will need to spill their guts completely.
Get Your Ex Back
and
Reconnect on a New
Level
If you want a healed relationship, do not attempt to close the wound right at the start. That's not the secret
to get your ex back. Invite raw, open honesty instead. Ask your partner to write you a letter or talk about the
pain - uninterrupted by you - for thirty minutes, an hour, or as long as it takes.
A new relationship will require "agreements" that you develop together. To get your ex back, ask your partner to
explicitly tell you all of his or her requirements so you can slowly rebuild the trust. You may be asked to phone
home every few hours, help with the kids' homework every night, or go for a mutual workout at the gym three nights
per week.
If you really want to get your ex back, your goal will be to establish new standards of behavior in which you'll
be there for your partner, without question.
That is not to say you'll do 100% of what's asked, but what you WILL do, you'll do with all of your heart.
When it comes to reconnecting on a physical level, it will take time for the intimacy to come back. Express
affectionate and loving words to your partner but it's their call, not yours, when it's time for bed. You'll want
to be invited back into your relationship - not having to nudge, beg, or force your reconnection with them.
Sex should be a celebration that your relationship is healing in other ways too. But it cannot make up for
needed changes in other areas, so respectfully hold off until your partner decides it's time to reunite
romantically. Remind your partner about the importance of your relationship and the love and respect you desire for
both.
As this is a delicate matter and you may not be sure that you can do this on your own, feel free to contact us for coaching if you need
assistance. We'll help you get your ex back, and we won't give up trying until you do.
Relationship help is just a phone call
away!
Website Content © 2012 Jay Reiss, M.S.W.
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