Coping with Divorce - Helpful Recovery
Strategies
Avoid Going Crazy and Discover Life After
Divorce
 You're coping with divorce - the house feels too quiet
and you're at a loss for what to do. For the first time since you can remember, you're now completely on your
own. You're coping with divorce in a home you once shared. In the midst of your loneliness and depression, you
may find yourself wondering if there's life after divorce. There is, and help is
on the way!
Coping with Divorce:
Letting Go of Your Ex
During the first 30 days of life after divorce, you may feel symptoms of pain so real and acute that you're
tempted to see a doctor. This is because over the years, you became "addicted" to your spouse. And kicking
this habit may be worse, in some ways, than withdrawal from drugs or alcohol.
One of the most attractive qualities of a committed relationship is the comfort of knowing that someone will
always be there. It's something most spouses eventually take for granted.
But when a marriage collapses and that person is suddenly missing from your life, the adjustment may be jarring.
The first month is the most vulnerable time when it's especially important to surround yourself with trusted
friends and family. A Professional Life Coach can help you develop
strategies for coping with divorce and getting through this.
Life After Divorce:
"The Withdrawal Symptoms"
No matter how angry you may feel toward your ex right now, it is not unusual to be missing him or her too. Part
of the conflict when coping with divorce are the opposing feelings which attack you all at once. If part of you is
glad your spouse is gone, still another part may feel a sense of loss.
♦ Anxiety - When initially coping with divorce, you may find yourself plagued with anxiety
about your finances, feelings of loneliness, fear about the future, and a whole range of other issues. To some
degree, heightened levels of post-divorce anxiety are perfectly normal. However, if you feel that life after
divorce has become unmanageable, please seek help from a professional to get through this.
♦ Insomnia - When starting your new life after divorce, it may take some time to get used to
that now-empty side of the bed. This adjustment, along with the emotional ups and downs you're feeling, could
easily affect your sleep schedule. Insomnia may be a temporary condition, but without care and treatment, it can
develop into something worse. Please see your doctor to decide on a treatment plan. Work with your counselor to
identify and sort out the emotional issues affecting your rest.
♦ Loneliness - This one word encompasses so many feelings that besiege those starting a new
life after divorce. Whether your marriage produced children or not, the bond that once existed between you and your
spouse has been severed. Very rarely is a fast adjustment possible, which makes coping with divorce such a
challenge.
Coping with Divorce and Backsliding:
Do Not Call Your Ex!
In your most painful moments, it may feel like the easiest solution to life after divorce is simply to make
contact with your ex. Like heroin users in a methadone clinic, you may feel that just a little "dose" of
interaction with your former spouse will ease your overwhelming feelings of loss. However, if your goal is to build
a new life without your former partner, you should - for now - resist the urge to see them.
As you begin your new life after divorce, remember the following before dialing your ex:
♦ 1. Your relationship failed for a
reason. Is there any basis on which to believe that returning to your ex will produce a different
outcome? If you split because of money, addiction, infidelity, boredom, sexual incompatibility or different
life goals, those issues will almost certainly still be there. While a connection with your ex may seem like one
method of coping with divorce, right now it won't change anything - and may only make things worse. In fact, you
may end up with feelings of disappointment, weakness or regret - feelings that you didn't have
before.
♦ 2. Stagnation prevents moving
on. It may seem unthinkable at the moment, but you are entitled to a new life
after divorce. However, it will be very difficult to meet anyone new - or let them in - if you remain focused on a
relationship that didn't work. It hurts right now, but the best method of coping with divorce is to keep a safe
distance from your former spouse.
♦ 3. It's time for something
new. Life after divorce means more than just meeting new people. By opening up your mind, and your
schedule, you'll have a chance to explore some new activities - including dating. Putting some space between you and your
ex leaves you open to many new possibilities.
♦ 4. Learn more about yourself.
You know who you are - and were - with your ex. There may even be some comfort in that. But aren't you curious to
learn what else you may be capable of? It isn't likely you'll make those discoveries if you run back to the
ex who didn't make you happy in the first place.
Coping with Divorce:
Helpful Strategies to Follow
Now that we've outlined the potential withdrawal symptoms you'll experience during the first 30 days of life
after divorce, let's talk about constructive coping strategies next. The following list of do's and don'ts will
serve as your guide for the first month after your separation.
Do:
Keep yourself constructively occupied: Immerse yourself in work,
hobbies, adult education, or travel. Take up a new hobby which has always interested you, like a new business
venture, a craft, or learn to play a musical instrument. These activities will help you while coping with divorce
by keeping your mind and spirit engaged at the same time.
Enjoy old friendships or make new ones: Life after divorce can
present a golden opportunity to reacquaint yourself with old friends - or meet new and interesting people with similar
interests.
Talk to a Professional Life Coach to get your creative juices
flowing. Surround yourself with experts who can provide you with mental and
physical suggestions for coping with divorce, like a financial planner, a massage therapist, or even your family
doctor.
Take in a change in scenery: Does everything in your home remind
you how alone you are? Then leave! Now is probably not a good time to sell or move, but nothing should stop you
from going away for a long weekend. Take that trip you've dreamed about and see your family or good friends who
live out of town. Go on a retreat with an adult or religious group. Getting away from the home you've shared with
your spouse can provide a much needed perspective while coping with divorce.
Don't:
 Don't busy yourself with unhealthy activities like anonymous sex
with multiple partners: While it's normal to crave intimacy when beginning a new life after divorce, it's
unlikely that you'll find a real and lasting connection in a stranger's bed.
Don't attempt to mask your pain with drug or alcohol abuse,
impulse spending, and other destructive behaviors. While these coping strategies may produce a temporary
"high," you are, in fact, only delaying the grief you will and must
experience before you can move on with your new life after divorce.
Don't become a shut-in: It's understandable that you may not feel
much like socializing, especially during the first 30 days of life after divorce. But there are ways to enjoy
your time alone, even when it may seem impossible. Read some new books, go see movies you've always wanted to
see, or go for long walks outdoors. Learn to love yourself in a new way. It really does get better!
Coping with Divorce and Your Children:
Being There for Your Kids
We've suggested some ways to help you take care of yourself as you begin your new life after divorce. However,
if your former marriage produced children, it's important that you stay in contact with them (assuming they aren't
living with you) during this transition. If you feel at a loss yourself, imagine how they might be coping with
divorce. Your kids now have two parents who live apart. This will almost certainly cause pain and confusion in
their young minds.
The anger, loneliness, and sadness felt by you and your former spouse is bound to be reflected in your children.
It's especially important to seek the support of a professional to help your family work through this painful
period.
A Life Coach can help you develop a 30-Day
Action Plan, designed to minimize trauma and preserve everyone's sanity. Think of coaching as a way to
kick-start your happiness while you begin your new life after divorce, starting today.
Call for a free coaching session today
-
The first call is free and there is no obligation.
Call (805) 964-6574
Relationship
help is just a phone call
away!
Website Content © 2012 Jay Reiss, M.S.W.
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